What is your story?
What’s your story? What are the things you tell yourself? When a situation arises or someone makes a comment to us, our brain has an immediate response. That response is filtered through our past experiences - good and bad. One of the primary functions of the brain is to protect us. It may protect us from danger, emotional pain or from repeating a past mistake.
With this function, the brain instantaneously creates a story. If a driver pulls out in front of us and we sense that we are in danger, we may be conscious of feeling anxious, frightened or angry. But there is a deeper story that we may not be aware of at the moment. Depending on your past, it may sound something like, “This person is being rude. They don’t think I am important because I don’t drive a new luxury car.” Or, “That person is driving dangerously, Driving is risky. People can get killed just going through their daily lives; just like my friend did.”
Those thoughts can rightfully cause anxiety! Taking things personally, in a situation like this, also adds to our anxiety. The person in the other car is very likely not thinking about you in a negative way- or even at all. There is a good chance they didn’t see you, or maybe they just found out a family member is in the hospital and are rushing to see them.
We also tell ourselves stories about our friends. “She didn’t return my texts for two days. She doesn’t like me anymore.” Or, “It makes sense that she didn’t return my texts. I’m not very likeable or important.” But it is just as likely that your friend is very busy, or lost their phone, or has left the country or is waiting until they can call you to have a long chat.
The stories we tell ourselves come from past experiences or family bias. Maybe you have family messages like, “Everyone is out for themselves. They will take advantage of me.” Or, “People are only friendly if they want something from you.” There are also current messages we hear from outside sources like, “This next generation is utterly selfish and entitled.”
While these thoughts are instantaneous and we often don't identify them, they alter how we see the world and how we feel about our lives. This, in turn, impacts our mood and how we react to the world around us. There is a concept called neuroplasticity. It is a fairly new concept in psychology. Research has shown that our brain has the ability to be reshaped or reformed. In other words, the idea that, “I am what I am and cannot change” is false.
We can change our thoughts! But it requires time and effort. If we have spent forty years of our lives interpreting things a certain way, we have developed neuro pathways in our brains. This is like a rut in the road. We try to change, but we fall back into the rut. To develop new ruts or pathways requires being aware of our thoughts and intentionally choosing to change them.
When you become aware of feeling anger, discouragement, fear or other emotions, ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” Let’s return to the example of the person pulling out in front of you in traffic. Your old story may have been, “They are selfish and are recklessly putting me in danger!” Try changing the story. What if you started imagining other scenarios for why they were driving that way? Maybe they just had a loved one sent to the emergency room, and they were rushing to get there. Or maybe they just lost their job and are so distraught they are rushing home. Maybe they simply got distracted.
There are other reasons for people doing things that aren’t pure selfishness. Even if that person is being selfish, or they do think they are better than everyone else or the rules don’t apply to them, it is not your job to teach them otherwise. That person didn’t hand pick you to pull out in front of. They would pull out in front of anyone in traffic! Their actions don’t have to affect your day or mood. You can choose the story you tell yourself. As you interpret life through a positive lens, you begin writing positive stories to tell yourself. You actually rewire your brain to think more positively! And that leads to greater satisfaction with life.