Safe People (Episode 61)

Brent and Janis discuss why we need safe people, how to identify safe people and how to become safe people.

This podcast should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets, where licensed therapists Brent and Janice Sharpe share how you can thrive in your life, your love, and your relationships. We're really glad that you're with us again. We've talked in several podcasts before about this idea of safe people, we use that term, that we all need somebody that we can walk alongside that can be safe in our life. Now, we've also talked about the fact that we're not gonna have 20 of these. This is usually one or two people in our life that we can really be completely real and open and honest with, and so what does that mean?

And why is it so hard to find this? A person that we can feel just completely open with. I'm amazed at how many people I talk to about this and I ask them, I kind of describe what it is and that I think they need it, and who would that be in their life? And they look at me like, huh?

Like, they just can't quite imagine that. And so today we wanna go a little bit deeper in that.

Why do we need safe people? Who are safe people? And how do we be safe people for others? There's a really interesting study that was done many years ago with professional helpers. And I think it speaks to the idea, some of the really foundational principles or qualities that make up safe people. So they ask people like counselors and doctors and pastors, if you needed to talk to somebody, if you wanted to share your heart with somebody, who would you look to? What kind of person would you look to? Now they expected that they were gonna get responses like, well, I'd want them to have this many years of education and training. I would expect that they would come from this particular framework, this kind of model of helping that.

Anyway, they just expected those kinds of things. And they just, they didn't get that. What they got was three main qualities that people were looking for. The first one was unconditional acceptance. So that whatever I said to them, they don't change.

They could just accept me still. They don't look down on me. They don't respond with judgment.

So unconditional acceptance. The second is empathy, that they have the ability to step into our world and feel what we feel, see what we see, experience what we experienced, and that we could feel like they could relate to us. And then the third is genuine, that they wouldn't be playing a role. They wouldn't be putting on just a certain way of being with us because it's their job, or it's their title, or their responsibility.

And so when I heard that years ago, I thought, that's significant. And what we find is that those are the key qualities of a healing relationship, not only of safe people, but there's something about safe people that we're gonna talk about here in a minute that's actually healing, that actually impacts us in this very, very powerful way. And so as we start this conversation, think about that.

Think about those qualities as we unpack this. Yes, one of the qualities of safe people is they let you be who you are and where you are without judgment. They don't tell you what you should do or what you should be. And if they say anything, they preface it by saying, this is just what I think, or this is what I am seeing here. They may even say something like, this is just my opinion. You may not agree with it, but this is just my opinion. You know, we tend to, in our culture, make a lot of declarative statements, things like you should, the right way is, well, you need to stop that.

We're very declarative. Safe people aren't like that. They're not judgmental, they're not harsh. So if you know someone and their favorite statement is, well, you know, I just tell it like it is, probably they're not sensitive enough to be your safe person. You probably should not really trust them with some of the things you have going on. Now, it doesn't mean that we're not gonna tell people concerns when we see them. A safe person doesn't just ignore things that are red flags or that are big concerns, but they build a relationship first in a respectful way so that they've earned the right to talk about things that they see. When I'm working with somebody, you know, I always work on validating where they're at, respecting them, and really building a good rapport of empathy with them. And then if I see something that's dangerous or destructive for them, either something they're doing or a relationship that they're in or whatever that's not good for them, I'll say something like, you know, I have some concerns here.

Now, I'm gonna be here for you and I'm gonna support you in whatever you choose to do. But from my perspective, it seems like, and it might be something like, you're giving up a lot of yourself in this relationship.

So it leaves it open-ended. It's just from my perspective. And so they can say, yes, no, well, maybe, or why do you see it that way?

Or what are you seeing? So safe people help us grow. They help us grow as people. They help us grow in our relationships with others.

And they point us to God. They're always encouraging us in those relationships. They respect and they encourage really for you to listen to the people around you and be open to what God's saying. They help you be your best self. They help you grow. A little more colloquial, I always say that safe people are people that you can cuss and fuss with and they don't freak out on you. That you can just, I mean, you can rant and rave, you can talk about somebody that has done you wrong and you can even call them names.

You know, I just wish they wouldn't even wake up tomorrow, you know, kind of things. And they just don't freak out. Certainly they're confidential, so they don't pick up the phone afterwards and go, oh my gosh, we need to help Brent, he's in trouble. You know, I mean, they just hold it.

And they don't fix us. That's really probably the key thing here is that they don't try to give us answers. They don't, if I'm angry with somebody and upset and hurt by somebody and I'm ranting and raving, they don't go, now you can't think that way, you know, as you were talking about. You're not supposed to feel that way, you know.

It's, well, yeah, of course you'd feel that way. And they don't try to, now you're gonna need to forgive them now, you know, you can't have that kind of anger towards people.

Boy, that's what we call Bible bullets too. Yes. When you share something with somebody and then they come back with a scripture that makes you feel shame and like, eh, I'm a terrible person. So they start the relationship with just sitting with you, validating those feelings, they don't try to fix.

And they're just simply present. And I don't think we trust that enough in our culture. I think we think, I need to help fix this. I, you know, we need to make, we need to change this. And I would say, I oftentimes say that we really don't trust the Holy Spirit. If it really is the Holy Spirit's work for conviction in our life and to create change, we don't really trust that. We trust, I need to kind of help the Holy Spirit out here, you know, and get this person fixed. And so there are those moments where we are able to be completely open and raw and real and honest and somebody literally is just sitting with us, validating what we're feeling, present with us, nonjudgmental and confidential that I call a sacramental moment. I think it is, that's where I think the healing comes from. Now, the word sacrament, in many faith traditions, we think about sacrament, we think about baptism or communion, those are the gospel sacraments. And I am referring to that, but a sacramental moment, one of the definitions of the word sacrament that I love is where the distance between heaven and earth collapses.

So it's like that space between heaven and earth is now chicken wire. I mean, it's just like they're just together. And I believe when we are able to sit with somebody like this and be honest and open and real and they are just able to hold us, I think it's actually the God within them that's sitting with us and going, Brent, I get this, I understand what you're feeling, I'm present with you, I understand why you would even feel that way when you've been disappointed or hurt or frustrated in that situation. And there's something about that moment that I think we get a little heavenly medicine. And so if we hold all this in and we don't have these kind of people in our life and we don't ever share these things, we don't get that medicine.

And so I think it really, really is powerful. And again, as you mentioned, it doesn't mean that the same person can't ever share anything with us or encourage us, but it needs to start with this. It needs to start with this sense of I'm present, I get what you're going through, I'm validating what your experience is, and you're not alone. I am with you in this. And if the relationship can start there, then we can share something, they can receive it.

We can share concerns. Yeah, we can receive their concerns. If we feel like they've really hurt us and are present with us. Yeah, I think that we don't have to fix it is one of the hardest things for most people. And I think that's one of the things we saw when we became spiritual directors. If you guys aren't familiar, spiritual directors are people who are trained to be there to help encourage you in your walk with God. And we had to really go, okay, it's okay to just listen to them, see where God's meeting them, and encouraging them to continue to pursue God and whatever ways that they're seeing him at work in their life. Maybe ask a few questions, help them to go deeper and then connect with God rather than giving them our advice. Yes. I had to learn, in that role in my life, I have to learn how to shut up and just be present there.

And that's what we're talking about here as a safe friend. And as a spiritual director, we nudge people.

We don't push them. And I prefer to not use the term spiritual director myself because I don't direct people.

God is directing it. I'm walking alongside to encourage them in what they feel like God is impressing on their particular heart. It really is a spiritual friend and that's what I've talked to some people that I actually am a director.

I'll go, I'm your spiritual friend. I'm not gonna direct you, but we'll listen to what God has to say to you. But safe people, Henry Cloud from Townsend and McCloud that wrote the book Safe People has a quote that says, safe people are individuals who draw us closer to being the people God intended us to be. It's closer to who we should be or who he made us to be in the beginning. Safe people aren't perfect people, but they're good enough. They have good habits and relationships and are healthy enough so that the impact of our relationship with them adds positives into our lives.

Safe people have good character. They're honest people. They don't insist that you accept them or that you agree with them on everything. I think safe people are hopeful without dismissing your pain. So they can be encouraging and hopeful, but they don't invalidate what you're going through. It's not the, I'm hopeful like, well, I know that really hurts, but tomorrow's a new day, let's move on. So they know where you are, but yet they continue to hold hope for you. Safe people are accepting and they're patient and they're available physically and emotionally. Now that doesn't mean that they drop everything anytime something goes on with you, but because they do have their own lives. But you know that in case of an emergency, if they possibly can, they will be there to connect with you.

They wanna be there to be supportive. Yeah, and speaking to that is they have good boundaries, and so they're not dependent on the relationship with you. They're not getting some kind of unhealthy thing from that. They're not needy. They're not needy, and they encourage you to be that way as well, to where you're not ultimately dependent on them, that you're really dependent on yourself, the God within you, and finding your own strengths. And so if we're talking about, say, friends here, that we have this kind of balance of being there for each other, okay?

And it could be even a mutual relationship. Now if you're a safe person as your pastor or a counselor or a leader, where you're purposely going to them and asking them for help, they still need to be able to be that kind of a person that can simply be present with you first and can validate what you're experiencing, even though you're saying, what should I do here?

How do I handle this situation differently? And in that kind of situation, if it's a pastor or a counselor and a leader, they're not supposed to get their needs met for you. They are there to focus on what your needs are and to be supportive of you. I know sometimes we'll have people come in the counseling office, at least I do, and I'll go, okay, come on in, how are you? And they'll go, fine, and they'll go, how are you?

Or they'll say, I don't ask about you enough. And I'll go, you know what? You don't have to ask about me. You don't need to do that.

This is about you. That's why we're here, not about me. But sometimes it's hard to identify safe people. I think one of the things that I've seen many times is people will find somebody and they see them and they're very charming and loving and they seem like, boy, this could be a good friend. This person is so fun to be with and they seem so interested in me. But sometimes there's character issues that are there that we don't see when we first meet someone. And so we do have to take time to observe that person, get to know them, to decide whether they're safe or not.

I know we often see this in courtship. I get really concerned when somebody comes in and says, he's so different, he's so fun, he absolutely adores me. And everything I do with him is an adventure. It's all so exciting. We've only been dating two weeks, but we really know this is right. And he says, since we know, why should we wait?

Why don't we go ahead and get married now? That would be a classic definition of a not safe person. I just go, hmm, well, I see some real red flags here. But it's hard because we have this immediate connection with someone, only time's gonna tell whether that person has the character and whether they're safe over a long period of time. So safe people understand that building relationship takes time and they don't expect you to trust them immediately.

They know that trust is something that has to be built. Safe people keep our confidences. One of my friends says it goes in the vault. It's in the vault, it doesn't come out. They don't share it with other people and they respect what you have shared with them. They're not gonna make a joke about something that you shared with them in public or even reference it in public. So our list is not exhaustive, but I wanna go over a few more characteristics of unsafe people. This would be of unsafe people.

Unsafe, not safe, unsafe. Un, emphasis on the un. One of the categories that we see is abandoners or as I have seen it and what I call it is serial best friends. So we see these, I saw them more when I had kids in school and I could see the different moms coming back and forth and picking people up, but it can be in almost any walk of life. And they're people that you meet and they wanna do things with you.

They start confiding in you and they encourage you to confide in them. You find that you have things in common or sometimes you'll get a new hobby that they are very interested in or you'll get involved in their hobby and you just become closer and closer. They wanna spend so much time together that eventually you almost become inseparable and you're not spending time in some of your other relationships. You might even ignore some of the other relationships in your life in order to spend time with them because it feels so good. It seems like they adore you, but what I've seen happens over time is that serial best friender can get bored and they think, well, you don't know what they're thinking at the time, but they move on to other relationships and they leave you wondering, gosh, what did I do wrong?

I thought we were so close. I thought everything was okay. And then you look and they're spending time with somebody else and then they spend more time with that person and more time and they're almost inseparable. And then over time, I've seen it where I know, this person's had three best friends that they were together constantly. It's out of their own need. It's out of that feeling of, I need you to help me be better or I need you to help fix me. I have a deep need in my life and I want you to fill it. But it's a need that really, it can't be met in those friendship relationships. So if we're in the relationship with them, we feel like we're drained dry and we're hurt when they leave. And then we see them go on to other relationships and other relationships looking for a person to fulfill something that really only God can fulfill. So bottom line is be careful who you talk to. Yes. Let it slowly develop.

Watch these people. Because opening yourself up completely and then the person ends up not being safe can be pretty devastating. Relationships where you feel like they, again, start out, it looks like it could be good and then all of a sudden you go deeper and they either abandon or this next one is, they slip into being the critic. Yes. They feel like their role in life is to be the self-appointed confronters of people.

A great holder of truth. Yes. They believe they need, and they're walking around believing they're supposed to hold everybody accountable in their life. They take kind of a parental role in really almost all of their relationships in their life. They don't have much space for grace and grace is fine, but we need to deal with truth here.

We need to deal with reality. You need to get yourself together and get yourself in line. There's very little room for natural human error for others. And oftentimes, if you really knew them, oftentimes for themselves too. They have this rigid sense of right and wrong. They push forgiveness on you where you're supposed to do this and you must do this. And oftentimes, again, we don't know it very often initially, but oftentimes they have trouble forgiving themselves or acknowledging they haven't forgiven themselves. They struggle to have compassion and love for people who aren't doing what they think should be done.

Again, the critic. And again, at first, some critics may seem like they could possibly be good friends. They have real clear ideas and goals. It just seems like they've got life figured out.

They just kind of know all the right answers. So there can be something about that because we all would like to know what all the right answers are. You know, we'd like things to be a little more black and white in the world. But over time in the relationship, you start feeling guilty. You start giving in to what they want you to do instead of what you feel like is right and real and honest. No, I think any relationship that makes you feel guilty, that's not a healthy relationship or makes you feel less than or like, oh gosh, if only I was like them, I need to get my act together.

I'm a mess. That's a good sign. Yeah, that's under the umbrella of condemnation. Conviction of the Holy Spirit comes from a place, a fixed place of love that we are deeply loved and that we couldn't, even though we make mistakes, we could not fall out of being loved by God. And so if you sense that, then this is probably not real healthy. To the extreme, that relationship can really wear down your own sense of self.

And we just encourage people, trust yourself. Listen to your instincts, which is really the Holy Spirit in your life. If it is fear-based out of your past, you're gonna begin to see that and get more clarity about that. I do think we tend to train people out of, train children out of listening to themselves. I mean, I talk about that all the time, but it's just, we tell kids don't think that or don't feel that way. And we train them out of really listening to themselves. That's good. So be careful around people who say, well, you're just reacting that way because of what you've been through. Oh yeah. Even though that may be true, it has to come as a realization over time, kind of a self-awareness. There are times when a person is pushing you to trust or accept something that you're just uncomfortable with.

Oftentimes, it's to achieve their own agenda. They know that, again, they feel like they're the prophet or the critic and they're gonna walk around and, okay, it's another one that I got on the right path or whatever. And even if you've been abused or been through trauma, it doesn't mean that every emotional reaction that you have is related to that trauma. And trust, again, that self-awareness, the Holy Spirit bringing you to that place. Yeah, I think that's important, that idea of just because you've been through something doesn't mean everything is related to that. Because oftentimes, controlling people will use that to dismiss you and go, well, of course you feel that way because of what you went through.

Not everything is related to that. So again, it goes back to trusting yourself. And then there's irresponsibles. Irresponsibles don't take care of themselves or others. They don't follow through on commitments or consider the consequences of their actions. These are immature people, emotionally immature, and they expect that to be okay with other people. They expect you to just accept them even though they don't follow through on things and they can be damaging. Oftentimes, if you're in a relationship with them, you make excuses for them. You rescue them, you bail them out, many times over and over again. And a lot of times, they just don't wanna do some of the hard things of life.

And we all have hard things. Life is full of things we have to do even though we don't want to. I could say that a lot. There's things I don't wanna do, but I have to do them anyway because I'm a grownup. But when we're in relationship with them, we do make excuses. We say it's their past or their personalities, or we excuse some of their behavior that's very immature by saying things like, oh, but she has a good heart. And so we let them get by with behavior that they shouldn't get by with. Eventually, most people in relationships with immatures will get tired of picking up all the pieces in their life, will get tired of carrying too much responsibility for them and bailing them out over and over again. And so they need to end the relationship. It's good to recognize those early on so that you don't get as enmeshed in that friendship. And then a category that's similar to that, I think, is users.

Users are people that have friendships purely for what they're gonna get out of it. They like to have friends that are popular or famous or rich, or as the commercial that's on the radio right now says, has a boat.

Don't you have a boat we can go out in? Or something else that they can use. This is where if we're in a relationship with them, we have to say, is there equality in this relationship? Is there that balance of friendship of giving and taking concern for one another and really wanting to be there for each other? Users will stay in relationship with you as long as you have something to give. If you draw a boundary or they meet somebody that can give them more, the friendship generally ends sometimes until they need you again and then they come back again.

So that's just relationships to look out for. Yeah, so again, just be careful. We believe that everyone needs somebody that's safe in their life, but it's worth being cautious. And you may be in a relationship that you realize is not safe. Again, it doesn't mean you just have to never talk to them again. I mean, some of these may be family members or whatever, but you just change how open you are. You don't have to share everything with everybody.

Even if they're asking, you get to choose. And that actually would show us whether they're safe or not, whether they allow us to choose and not pressure us into that.

That's a good point. So hopefully some of these descriptions will help you assess some of the relationships in your life. It may also give you a sense of why you're uncomfortable in certain relationships. You may find yourself today thinking, I don't think I have this. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had this. We encourage people, because again, we believe God has somebody for everybody.

Again, it's not gonna be 20. Right. It's gonna be one or two probably in our life. When we have clients in counseling, we say, we hope that we will be safe for you, but you need people outside of us. Right. You can't come here every week for an hour or so. And when they say, can I just go home with you?

The answer is always no. Exactly. So again, believe that there is somebody out there. We encourage you to just start praying. I've been amazed when people just start thinking about this and going, God, who might that be?

In my life. That how somebody oftentimes comes to their mind that, you know, I really respect this person. I've just seen maturity in their life and the way they are when I'm around them, they're not pushy, but they care. So it might be something like that. But you will have to ultimately be proactive about this.

You'll have to reach out. And we also say that you can coach a healthy person into what it is that you need. You know, something like, you know, I'm realizing that I need a person in my life that from time to time, I can just be completely honest and open with and cuss and fuss a bit and vent with and about life circumstances.

And I really respect you. And I thought of you. What I'm looking for is this, and you can kind of lay it out for them. Because again, everybody wants to help you feel better. So that's why people try to fix. They just want you to feel better, but usually their fix is premature and it's not helpful because it's minimizing. It comes across as, well, if you just do this, then you wouldn't even feel that. And so being able to say that, first of all, I just need somebody that's confidential. I think you have the character to be able to do that. But if I share stuff with you, I would just ask that you would hold that. And I would ask that you don't feel any pressure to fix me.

I'm not asking you to be my counselor. I mean, unless this is your counselor, okay. But it might be, I have a counselor, but I need somebody outside of this. And so I'm not asking you to do that. I just need you to be present with me. I will promise not to abuse our time, to ask too often. Um, and if you're open to this, I mean, again, we might have to say, you don't have to fix me. But if, and if you try to fix me, I may want to smack you. I don't know that I'd say that right away. Um, but I just make it clear that they don't have to do that.

Again, a lot of times it takes them off the hook. They're like, oh, I don't have to fix this. Yeah. And that helps them. Well, and it's letting them know I'm not like a needy person that's going to suck your time. I just want to have somebody that I can be open and honest with and share some things that are going on in my life. Yeah. And if you can share that with somebody, first of all, if somebody were to come to you and say that, my gosh, it would be such an honor. Yeah. Oh my gosh, they, they trust me that much, you know? And, and you can say that if this is something, and you can think about it a while, if this is something that you'd be open to it, I would really treasure this.

And so, so we hope again for each and every one of you that you will find this in your life. And if you have one or two of these, if you're blessed to do that, and I have a lot of people that these people live a long way away, you know? And, and so if you're going through some difficulty, you may have to be very purposeful about it. It might be a Zoom call once a week for a while while you're going through difficulties or whatever. We always hope if somebody can find somebody in their own community where they can sit across the coffee table, you know, and see them in the flesh, that's always wonderful, but it's not always possible. But as we've talked about this, hopefully this helps, you know, what safe people look like and also what it means to be safe for others. Yes. That's really the most important thing we can do is Lord, let me be this for others.

So we pray for peace in your journey to find and to be safe people. So blessings as you go today.